“Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just a train going in the opposite direction.”
They say if you are tired of London you are tired of life but I think maybe mental fatigue plays a massive role in this. When you are in the Rat Race you try too hard to keep up with the person in last place so you don’t fall behind. It’s draining to say the least.
To say the last 18 months have been tough would be an understatement but one thing it has given me is perspective. It’s so cliché to say life’s too short and such but it’s true. We only get one shot at it so it needs to be enjoyable and you need to do ultimately what makes you happy.
Happy is subjective of course and I guess like all of the eternal mysteries in life-finding the true meaning of happiness is the hardest. It’s a feeling I’ve rarely felt over the last 3 years or so. I’m not depressed though just generally the gloom in the corner. There have been some brief moments of rainbow during this storm like my documented trip to Croatia and seeing Rangers win the league. Of course, there were some family times too but due to the aforementioned sadness coupled with an increased self awareness I probably seem a bit different to my parents. Sad, angry, disrespectful, distant, isolated and alone.
The question I keep asking myself at the moment is how many turning points do you need to experience until you’ve gone full circle? I firmly believe I am cyclical in nature as when I reread poems I’ve written from 2011/12 my state of mind seems quite similar to now and it was the year after I took the plunge and moved to London. Maybe it’s time for a change? All change is a good change, right? Change for many is petrifying, so much so, that many people disregard potential turning points in their lives. They are blinkered to new opportunities, they just keep going with their noses to the grindstone, hoping that their focus will bring them the rewards they want. Spoiler Alert: It Doesn’t. While this may be the case, focus or distinct lack of, this is often a formula for missed opportunities. You have to be able to disengage your focused brain to look more deeply at other opportunities. It’s the old adage of if you don’t buy a ticket you can’t win the raffle.
I find myself in very similar situations just with different people in different locations. How do I break this cycle? I try to rise above it but it’s like there is some force pushing me back. I know there is much more I can give this world than being chained to a desk for at least 12 hours a day. Fiona always said from an early stage in our friendship that I had more to offer this world than being an office worker.
So how does one transition from said office work to something more meaningful? What can a financial markets professional give to the world? Travel writing would be the dream. I was always told I’d make a good teacher but the stresses of modern teenagers isn’t something that really feels with glee. I am constantly told I need to get a grip but what’s the point really if you are only just holding on and the rope is barely strong enough in the first place. I need to have something more to do with my life than move obscene amounts of money from one system to another. I want to make a difference. I want someone to feel I have changed their life even by a very small amount.
What about a new location? Or get a job where I could work and travel. The odd piece of work whilst travelling the globe with a zoom call to my boss or client to touch base on progress or offer some wisdom before I embark on another voyage of self-discovery.
If you keep treading water you will eventually sink. Same with turning points you can not achieve the benefits of a turning point if you just keep doing what you are doing. It’s that desire to change that is the fuel for these such turning point to occur and to be embraced.
I keep telling myself that the best of me has yet to come but almost 20 years later we are still in the woods with no obvious exit strategy. There is the occasional glade where I seek solace and collect my thoughts but sometimes you need that escapism to navigate the way through what is quite a perilous course. I miss Fiona for emptying my head and having a conversation that’s as much about nothing as it is about everything. Yea I was blessed by having her as a wonderful friend but she is still with me as a spirit guide to help me navigate my way through these storms. Love you Fiona always. Thank you for everything.