Am I ok?

It’s innocent enough when you meet someone to ask them how they are and it’s customary to return favour and ask them the same. Are we ever truly honest in our replies? Even if you carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders you will mostly likely reply I am ok thanks. You are unlikely to unburden yourself on a chance encounter in the bread section at Sainsbury’s. How many people would be actually prepared for someone to bare their soul. We are social animals yet sometimes when we are not feeling it the thought of conversation is draining which is why we generally play it safe and give the “I’m ok” or “I’m fine” answer.

This is something we are all guilty of and even if you wanted to tell all in an exclusive expose you wouldn’t. As the actuality of telling this person you greeted with pretend animation and fake smile probably wouldn’t really be prepared to give you anything more than “don’t worry” or “things will get better” as a reply.

The first thing you need to probably sort in your own head first is the notion that you are not ok. Too many times we just have the approach the things will only get better. They generally will but you need to 1) want that to actually happen 2) do some work to make it happen. Maybe previously you’ve stuck your head in the sand and when you have removed and things appear better only for it fall apart further down the line but appear so much worse than before. We don’t like to admit we need some guidance or read something that might create an awakening inside you. Why? Because it’s change. I mentioned in a previous musing how and why change is petrifying.

The last 3 1/2 years for me I have faced maybe situations where I have asked myself am I ok?

Fiona leaving to back to NZ 2018-Am I ok? Generally with this one I was ok. Yes I was saddened but I knew in my heart that one day it was going to happen.

My health issues of 2018/19-Am I ok? It was a long and difficult journey to find the issue to my problems but finally with a diagnosis of central sleep apnea it was decreed. Im around 30kg lighter, sleeper better and have more energy so I’m much better but condition is still prevalent so not fully ok.

Relationship issues 2019-21. Am I ok? At the time I wasn’t ok. I was broken, downtrodden, frustrated and sad. On reflection we never gave each-other what we needed. I have learned a lot about myself when dissecting the aftermath and done a lot of work on myself to be comfortable to talk about this openly. It got too much in the end and parting was hard but it paved a way for me to embark on a bit of an awakening.

Redundancy from my job at Citi 2020. Am I ok? Resentful maybe but generally I have made my peace with it. It’s not a pleasant thing redundancy at the best of times but to be thrust to the hands of the gods during a global pandemic which lead to the worst job market in living memory was hard. Citi as a firm never really got the best of me until my last few weeks. Ironic really. Perhaps sardonic. I had been struggling with the aforementioned health issues since starting there albeit they only came to the fore late 2018.

Death of my dear Fiona 2021. Am I ok? I don’t think I’ll ever really be ok with this one. There is not a moment every day when Fiona doesn’t come into my thoughts one way or another. She will always be my best friend, my inspiration and my guide. I don’t really think I mourned properly at the time given the eventual break up of the relationship happened in and around the same time.

There are other small less momentous occasions to pose the question but think I keep these mains ones for the discussion.

If I’m asking myself the question today if I am ok? Generally speaking I am. There are days when I feel good and there are days when everything seems like a chore and feel laboured.

If you ever feel you are not ok please do try as much as it seems hard, to talk to someone. It won’t instantly make you feel better but sometimes it lifts an element of gloom and can make you rationalise things.


1 Comment

  1. Jax says:

    So very true. A goes blog.


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